whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
