just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
