i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
