I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She's like a pop up book from hell.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
