Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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