nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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