Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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