Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
