Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
