pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
