bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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