There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
