I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
