No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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