Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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