why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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