She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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