Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
