I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
