I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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