shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize