I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
