i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
