I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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