my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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