I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just want nice things and good sex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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