This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
