do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
