My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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