Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
