Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
