Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
