Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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