She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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