So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm getting married
To pizza
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
