Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
