can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
