btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
