The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
