my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
