if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
