Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
