I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
