You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
