I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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