whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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