I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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