you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
