She is in my trunk
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
