i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
