I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
