Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
