I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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