You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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