I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
