I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
